Lower Your Expectations

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about how my journey to get my life in order began.   There were two key things I learned initially that I've been trying to implement ever since:  

1. Don't expect more from myself than I expect of others.
2. Set boundaries, and stick to them.

Today, I want to elaborate on the first point.  I had an AHA! moment when I talked to my coach about all I was dealing with. She repeated everything I had listed on my responsibility list and asked me if I would expect someone else to handle all of those things in the manner I had explained that I wanted them done.  I immediately said, "No."  When she said if that was true, then I couldn't expect that of myself, I felt kind of stupid.  I mean, that made a lot of intellectual sense, and even though I wanted to insert a "but" and follow it some logical reasoning - I couldn't.  She was right, just plain right.

Realizing, and then internalizing that lower self-expectation didn't mean I wasn't good at my job, good at being a mom or a wife or a friend or a homemaker or any of the other roles I was in - it was FREEING!  I could be a "regular person" and didn't have to keep up the superwoman facade.  I deserved the same respect and grace that I gave to others, and I was really the only one who could give that to myself.  As easy as it is to complain about how others treat us or what they expect of us - as I've often told my kids, "you're in charge of you."  I needed to realize that applied to me as well!

"Done is better than perfect."

So since then, I've been all about lower expectations.  My new mantra has been, "Done is better than perfect."  I've become aware of how many things that I used to think were important were things that no one else would notice if I did or didn't do.  I've always loved productivity and organization, but now I had a new found passion for it because I wanted to accomplish the most I could without torturing myself!  Here are a few ways I lowered expectations and added in a little extra productivity:
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• Dishes - as long as they don't stink and there isn't an ant infestation, I choose family time over dishes.  We use a lot more paper plates and plastic silverware than we used to.  I made a set of family coasters (tutorial here) to help limit the number of glasses in our house.  I'm ok with running the dishwasher when it's not completely full, and I taught the kids how to empty the dishwasher.  

• Clutter - during the work/school week, I don't freak out about clutter anymore.  We clean up on the weekends, and since I just decided to be ok with that, life during the week is actually less stressful. I do prefer a clutter-free house and have developed a few easy strategies to manage it.  I have a paper inbox for all paper that comes into our house - this is the #1 best thing I ever did!    We have extra toy bins that are hidden away under the stairs, so as long as toys are in that general vicinity - well, out of sight, out of mind.  I gave up on shoes being put away (honestly, I was the main culprit!)  Instead, we have a rug near the door, and as long as the mountain of shoes stays on the rug, I'm happy with that.  

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• ​Laundry - I'd love to say that I did laundry on a very nice schedule or folded and put away everything as soon as it came out of the dryer, but I'm going to be honest - I don't!  To lower my own expectations, I decided not to worry about doing laundry during the week unless it was absolutely necessary.  I bought enough undergarments for the whole family so that we have at least enough for about 10 days just in case we miss a laundry day!  A few laundry "hacks" I've implemented are:  I bought a bin for PJs that I'm going to re-wear, so instead of throwing them on the floor, I throw them in a bin on a shelf in my closet. I DO re-wear pajamas for a few days, and I also re-wear pants and jackets several times.  I usually wash a shirt after one wearing, but hey, if it passes the sniff test...  I also installed a hook in my bathroom so if I don't feel like hanging work clothes up or putting them in the hamper when I get home (which I worked hard to develop a habit of doing), at least they aren't on the floor.  We (I say we because my husband is just as good, probably better, at laundry than I am ) no longer put the kids' clean clothes away -  we fold them and put them on the stairs, and they have to "do the stairs" daily.   Laundry is still one of the most difficult parts of keeping up my household.  I'm going to do a whole post soon on this topic!

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• Flowers/Garden - we used to plant a garden every year, and though I love fresh green beans and zucchini, I don't like weeding, and the garden would inevitably turn into either a bed of weeds or a big competition about who did more work in the garden.  Last year, we decided it wasn't worth it and didn't even plant one.  I planted one zucchini plant, and we just bought fresh veggies from the grocery store or roadside stands.  When I'm retired, I think a garden will be fun, but until I have more time during daylight hours, I don't think it's realistic for me!  I also finally accepted that I'm never going to be great at keeping flowers alive.  There are a few types that I can handle, so instead of browsing in the lawn and garden section and trying new things every year, I stick to my wave petunias, and a few begonias and some others that I don't even know the names of.  If something I plant in a pot dies, I just dump it out and put the pot in the garage for the season.  No one is driving by my house saying, "where's her potted plant?" 

• ​Schedule - I'm still learning how to better estimate how long things take - time is hard for me!  I now make myself OVERestimate how long things take so I don't overbook myself.  I'm done with the days of putting 20 things on my to do list only to get through half.  Instead, I'm making my to do list based on how many hours are in the day, how many meetings or appointments I have, and how long the really important things are going to take.  I'm trying to set more realistic timelines for tasks and projects.  I always ask others, "what do you think is a feasible timeline to have this completed?"  yet for myself I would set these crazy aggressive timelines.  My people-pleasing nature makes it hard for me to be realistic sometimes.  I'm learning that I'd rather overestimate how long it takes and get it done early rather than underestimate and either kill myself to get it done or disappoint when it's impossible to complete on time.

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• Parenting/Family Time - I was fortunate to have amazing parents, and I want to be the same for my kids.  I choose not to spend as much time on other things so I can spend more time with my family (and be less stressed doing it!)  Deciding on my family as a priority over a clean house or a packed schedule doesn't mean that I don't get to have my own interests, hobbies, and friends or that I don't get to spend some time alone.   I think by having outside interests, it shows kids what being a well-rounded adult is like.  Even so, I feel pretty strongly that the the old adage about quality over quantity time is only partly true.  I guess this is where I've lowered my own expectations - I focus on quantity and don't worry so much about quality.  Being home nightly for dinner and bedtime, spending some parts of weekends at home all together, and attending school and sporting events - those are quantity goals.  The quality part comes in the consistency and just "happens."  It's impossible to create quality without some quantity.  We may eat a speed dinner before cub scouts; I might have to sing a lightening fast song and say only a short prayer before lights out because of an evening commitment; or I might fall asleep on the couch while the kids watch a movie in the same room - but I was there, and it's still communicating that being WITH the family is important to me - because it is.  Even though I'd love to, I don't have to be the PTA president to be involved at their school, I don't have to give them expensive gifts to show them what they mean to me - I can simply choose them, have routines and traditions in our home, listen, be present, and show affection.  I'm certainly not perfect, but I'm  learning the balance ...I may say "I love you" too much, but I'll risk that!   

Keeping expectations for myself at bay is a constant struggle, but it's a struggle worth having.  Feeling accomplished and satisfied with my less-than-perfect life is so worth it! ​Do you agree that lowering self-expectation is a good idea, a way to survive and thrive in this fast paced world we live in?  Or do you disagree and feel that we should expect more of ourselves?  I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments.