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How to Accept Feeling Out of Control

4/7/2019

1 Comment

 
I took a spring break from my blog.  I'll be honest - for these past couple of weeks, I didn't know what to write because I've been feeling very "out of order,"  and I felt a little like a fraud for even having this blog when I felt so out of control.  Control, that's a little word that seems to cause me so much trouble!

Last Sunday at church, was the first time in a while that I felt like it was ok to just sit and be.  I was allowed not to worry, not to feel guilty about all I should be doing, and didn't feel inadequate for the things I've been trying so hard to do and not succeeding at.  I was reminded that most of the minutia of my life, in the grand scheme of things, isn't really a big deal.  The things that ARE a big deal, well, I can't really change the outcome in any way by worrying or fixating on them. The Bible verse, "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?" from Luke 1225 is so true, so simple, and yet so hard to put into practice!  

Like so many of you, I'm a faithful This Is Us watcher, and a couple of episodes ago, Randall and Beth were shown as young parents, playing the "what's the worst that could happen" game.  I loved the reminder that even though there are always bad possibilities, the likelihood that they are going to happen is very slim, so it's not worth my energy to worry about them.  ​
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Most of us have had times in our lives where we wake up with a sick feeling in the pit of our stomachs thinking about what could happen today, and sometimes we convince ourselves ahead of time that we know what the outcome will be.  I've learned through experience that there are two things I definitely can NOT do and those are predict the future or go back in time.   Because I can't do those things, I'm trying to make it a habit to focus only on what I can control and not what I can't.  It helps me to actually write out a list of each.   When I spend my time on what I can control, it makes it easier not to fret about the rest.  I realize now that being out of control is ok, is natural and once I accept it, can actually be freeing!

I found that the number of things  I can control is much less that what I cannot.  But that's what makes it manageable!  My general list of what I can control is just this:
  • my bedtime and time I get up in the morning
  • food that goes into my mouth
  • words that come out of my mouth and my tone of voice
  • if I wear a smile or a scowl
  • the content of the written messages I send 
  • the time I spend working vs. time spent (distraction free) with my family
  • how much I move
  • how much I read vs time I spend on a screen
  • what I think about
  • how I react
  • how I plan ahead
I'm making it a new practice during my weekly review, to write down how I want these areas of my life to look in the next week.  Give it a try yourself! For example, this week I looked at my calendar of commitments and responsibilities and decided I could CONTROL going to bed by 10:30 and getting up at 6 this week, and I could CONTROL the snacks I pack in my lunchbox, and I could CONTROL going on a walk during my kids' sports practices this week, etc.  

"When I spend my time on what I can control, it makes it easier not to fret about the rest."

​For everything else that is swirling around in my head... it's helping me to identify specific things that are worrying me that are beyond my control.  When I physically write them down it makes me admit that they are taking up space in my head and there's really nothing at all that I can do about them.  Then I can give myself permission to just forget about them!  I know that there are serious worries that many of us have related to our kids, health concerns, financial pressures, etc.  I'm not saying just pretend they are not there, but focus on the parts of those that you can actually do something about.  It's comforting to think that there's a bigger picture than I can understand, and I'm only responsible for my piece of the puzzle.  

I'd love to hear your thoughts on control - how do you preside over your own life and how do acknowledge when something is truly out of your hands?

Sources: 
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Photo by 
Vlad Kutepov on Unsplash
1 Comment
Kerie
4/7/2019 08:29:50 pm

I must admit I am guilty of letting certain aspects of my life control me, through worry, as opposed to me controlling them by recognizing and choosing what I can and cannot change. A huge one for me is how I allow other people’s actions, behaviors and opinions influence how I manage my own actions and behaviors.

I love what you shared about focusing on what we can control, and by doing so it makes it easier not to worry about the rest. Rechanneling my thoughts in this way, as difficult as it can be, is much healthier and helps me be more productive. If I could get back even some of the time I’ve spent worrying about things that never actually happened, or were out of my control, I’m sure I’d be amazed at how much of it I wasted.

My mother-in-law has said countless times...”worrying is praying to the wrong God”, and it is so true!

Like many habits, worrying is a tough one to conquer, but your insights here will be so helpful to always keep trying to shift my focus in the opposite direction of it!

We are all a continuous work in progress, and thankfully we have resources like this to keep us grounded and thinking positively!

Thanks for sharing this!

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