It was a cold morning in January of 2003, and I'd been married a little less than 6 months. I popped out of bed early that morning and spent a little extra time curling my hair and putting on more makeup than usual. My new husband (who'd been my boyfriend for the 4 years prior to our marriage) woke up, took one look at me, and said, "Why are you getting all fancy for work - it's not like it's your birthday or something." The thing was - it WAS my birthday. I was turning 22, and I was feeling pretty that morning. I thought surely he was joking, but...he wasn't. We argued for several minutes about the date before he admitted defeat. Talk about a newlywed fail, but it's given me great material and gotten a lot of mileage over the past 15 years!
Why is it though, that I spent extra time on my appearance that day? It was a special occasion and by fixing my hair and makeup, I felt pampered. I already felt excited about my birthday (remember I was still in my early 20's when birthdays were a little more fun than they are in your late 30's!) so I had extra energy to spend on myself. I also knew that I'd likely be getting more attention than usual that day and wanted to look my best to make a good impression.
"It's unfortunate that judgments about our character can form in such a short amount of time, but because we know this is true, we can use that knowledge and create the impression about ourselves that we want to portray."
We often hear that looks don't matter and try to teach our children the same. And, though I strive not to judge a book by its cover and certainly want my children to look beyond the surface, the truth is, that looks do make an impact on how others view us and treat us. First impressions take a mere 7 seconds to form, and even if we try not to, we evaluate others before they've even opened their mouths to speak. A Business Insider article states that "within seconds of meeting you, people decide all sorts of things about you, from status to intelligence to promiscuity." It's unfortunate that judgments about our character can form in such a short amount of time, but because we know this is true, we can use that knowledge and create the impression about ourselves that we want to portray. Though we can't control many parts of our appearance, there are things we can do that show that we care about ourselves.
Spending time on our appearance isn't all about other people's impressions, it also impacts our own confidence and self-worth. There have been studies to prove what my Grandma just intuitively knew. "I can't face the day until I've put my face on," "I feel naked without my lipstick" are both statements I heard from her. A 2011 study done by Harvard and Boston University researchers reported that women felt more confident while wearing makeup. Interestingly, even the color of lipstick makes a difference. The British Heart Foundation polled women and reported that 26 percent of women felt more confident when they wore red lipstick. Even something as simple as taking a shower or putting on clean clothes can make you feel better when you've been under the weather. Taking time to focus on your appearance can take your mind off of a stressful situation. Feeling pretty helps you to get over feeling down - even if only temporarily.
We have to be careful not to cross that very faint line between caring about how we look to create the impression that communicates our authentic self to the world and focusing on appearance to our own detriment, putting others' opinions in front of our own values. If fixing up is something that boosts your mood and confidence and helps you get some respect along the way, there is NOTHING wrong with it (and it doesn't even have to be your birthday!)
I'm doing a giveaway this week to go along with this week's blog post theme. Enter for your chance to win one of two Lipsense Starter Kits (includes a lip color, gloss and remover.) A special thanks to Snazzy Beauty who is collaborating with me on this giveaway. I've added LOTS of ways to enter! Join us LIVE next Sunday, May 20 at 9 p.m. EST to find out if you won!
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Nudelman, Mike, and Drake Baer. “8 Things People Decide within Seconds of Meeting You.” Business Insider, 15 July 2015, www.businessinsider.com/8-things-people-decide-within-seconds-of-meeting-you-2015-7.
Adamns, Rebecca. “How Lipstick (Yes, Lipstick) Can Instantly Make Your Day Better.” The Huffington Post, TheHuffingtonPost.com, 14 Feb. 2014, www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/02/12/psychological-benefits-of-lipstick_n_4722612.html.
Your mom probably told you many times during your childhood, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." This is great advice, but I'd like to add another sentence. "If you can say something nice, do!" In this world where countless news sources are vying for our attention, it seems the sensationalized stories get the most traffic, and many of those contain negative, disappointing, or even scary content. It's easy to begin to believe there's very little "nice" stuff to talk about! The more we hear about the negative, the harder it is to even recognize the positive.
I recently had the opportunity to hear happiness researcher, Shawn Achor, speak, and one of the points that stuck out to me the most is that the more negative we feel, the more negative things we look for in our days, but the opposite is also true. Once you begin to recognize and appreciate positive things in your day, you actually become happier and start to notice more and more positives all around you. What if I could recognize more positives while also help others do the same? I think it's very easy to do just that by simply saying out loud the nice things we are already thinking. There are so many times that think, "her hair looks nice today," "he's really good at his job," "that guy is hilarious," "I like that girl's tattoo," "that kid is really well behaved," etc. How many times have I kept those nice thoughts in my head when I could have said them out loud and possibly made someone else's day? I know that when someone says even the smallest kind thing to me, it makes me happy. If it's that easy to spread happiness, I'm going to do it!
During a visit to the store, my kids and I received a comment card that you could complete about a specific employee who had done a good job. From all of the cards submitted, one would be drawn, and that employee would win a prize. My oldest son immediately told me who we should enter - a man who worked there who was always especially helpful and kind. Fast forward a week or so...I saw that man, and I immediately thought about my son's comment and about how neat it was that even as a kid, he recognized and appreciated kindness. I could have just walked by keeping that thought in my head, but instead, I went up to the guy (who didn't know me) and told him the story. Maybe a little weird or uncomfortable for me, but the look on his face and hearing him say, "Thank you. You made my day, and I needed that today!" made ME happy. Wait a second - me saying something nice to someone else actually made me happy - wow, why am I not doing this all the time?
Throughout the day, different people and experiences pop into my head. I usually just let it pass and do nothing about it, but occasionally, I take the time to shoot that person a text or an email letting them know I was thinking of them and why. Most of the time I get a kind response of appreciation, and very often I get the response, "I needed that today." You don't have to be physically with a person to spread some kindness!
One day while I was eating lunch out, I had a young server who had several tattoos. I commented on one that was visible just by saying I liked it and asked what made him choose it. His whole demeanor changed. I think he was surprised to be asked (maybe me being in a business suit on my lunch hour asking about his tattoo caught him off guard) but he opened up and told me why he got the tattoo, what it meant to him, and showed me another one and shared a personal story about it. After this experience I've started asking others who have visible tattoos about them. I don't have tattoos myself, but figure if someone cares enough about something to have it tattooed, it may be something they'd like to share and it may make them happy to do so. Just from saying, "I like your tattoo, what does it mean?" I've heard about the impact of parents who have passed on, faith journeys, and just some funny stories.
"Saying kind things doesn't only improve the mood of those you're complementing, it also helps your own mood."
Saying kind things doesn't only improve the mood of those you're complementing, it also helps your own mood. I remember when my Grandma was alive, sometimes when I had a bad day, I'd call her - not to complain about my day, but rather to cheer her up. In hearing her mood improve, it made me feel better - a win, win! Why does this work - is it because we shift our focus and forget about our problems or is it that by shifting our focus, our attitude about our problems actually changes?
Since hearing Achor speak, I started a new dinnertime routine with my family. Each night we go around the table taking turns saying three specific things we were grateful for that day. They can be as small as, "I'm grateful for these great hamburgers that Dad grilled" or "I'm grateful for going on a walk in the sunshine today." The research shows that after 21 days of recording specific gratitude, our brains actually start perceiving the world differently because we are looking for things to be grateful for, so those things are at the forefront and the negatives - which still exist - are in the background. I'm eager to look back after we've done this for a few weeks at what made us feel gratitude and notice our happiness increasing! Once we become happier, we improve in many ways - health, productivity and our influence on others all benefit. Achor did a popular TED talk you may want to check out called "The Happy Secret to Better Work." I've heard many productivity experts talk about gratitude journals and have had a hard time keeping one for myself, but adding my family in the mix has helped me make this a part of my day that I look forward to!
I encourage you to give some of these ideas a shot and see if they make you happier:
Today was a a special day for my family - Easter, April Fool's Day and a birthday celebration! For me, most of the fun of holidays and special events has always been the anticipation, but more importantly the traditions involved. Some of the traditions in my household come from mine and my husband's childhoods (and some of them likely from our parents' childhoods) but many are brand new traditions we've created ourselves. One of my favorite parts of parenthood so far has been creating traditions for my family - some of which I hope they will carry on with their own families some day.
Sometimes we may wonder if keeping up with all of the traditions is worth it. There is a difference between true traditions - things we do to create meaning that can be passed down from generation to generation - and just keeping up appearances. In this digital age full of social networks, posting what we decide is the ideal picture of our lives is an easy trap to fall into, and if this is the reason you keep up with a tradition then, NO, it's not worth it. But if creating and maintaining traditions brings joy to you and your family or provides precious memories and opportunities for your children to carry them with them into adulthood - then YES, keep it up!
There are so many reasons I think traditions are powerful and allow us creative opportunities to show our love to our past and to our future:
Traditions create memories
We have hosted a kids' Halloween costume party since our oldest was about 3 years old. I have pictures of both of my kids and their friends and their friends parents in all sorts of fun costumes. We often talk about things like "that time we stuck our hands into a bucket with cold spaghetti and thought it was guts!"
Traditions help us mark the passage of time
From the time I started school, my mom took a first day of school picture in front of the refrigerator. She could tell how much we'd grown by how close we were to the line between the fridge and the freezer. She has a first and a last day of school picture of my brother and me for every school year. When my kids started school, I did the same thing, but instead of the refrigerator, I use the back door. It's fun to see how much the kids have grown each year.
Traditions communicate meaning
There are many competing traditions around Christmas and Easter. My family chooses to participate in both the fun and the religious traditions (ex. Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, and the story of Christ's birth, death and resurrection.) We use traditions to communicate meaning. One of those traditions is one that we did just this morning, resurrection rolls. Every Easter morning, we make these rolls and talk about the Biblical meaning of Easter. Today, my kids helped explain the meaning in this video
Traditions connect generations
As a child, every Christmas morning was spent at home. After stockings and before gifts, we would read the story of Jesus' birth from the book of Luke chapter 2. When I got married, we began spending Christmas mornings at our new home and our kids have always had Christmas morning at their home. Each year, we read from Luke chapter 2 after stockings and before gifts. We also read the same passage when we go to my parents house before opening gifts. My kids know that this is what I did as a kid, and I expect this is one tradition that they will carry on.
Traditions are just fun!
We made up a really silly and fun tradition last Cinco de Mayo. The kids wanted to see the Tron remake and it just worked out that we had some time on May 5. My oldest and I stopped by the store and picked up some chips, salsa, and queso. We went home and announced the new Cinco de Mayo tradition was eating our snacks and watching Tron. The kids loved the movie and just the other day, they mentioned how we'll watch it again on Cinco de Mayo this year!
The really fun part about traditions is there are so many opportunities to create them - major and minor holidays, firsts, lasts, even just days of the week! Something as simple as dinner out on a Friday is something I've heard my husband recall about his childhood. It doesn't have to be grand or expensive to count as a tradition. It just has to create joy, have some consistency, and be able to be recreated by our families or friends in the future. What kinds of traditions do you have in your family and how have they helped you maintain order in your life?
Resurrection Roll Recipe
This week I announced that I'm giving away a copy of the book, Get Momentum: How to Start When You're Stuck by Jason and Jodi Womack. (If you're reading this before 9 p.m. on Wednesday, March 21, 2018 there's still time to enter to win!) I highly recommend this book to help you get started on any project whether it be personal, work, or a passion project. Get Momentum first helps you to figure out why you're stuck and then breaks down getting momentum into 5 steps:
1. Motivation - What do I want to be known for?
A woman with many roles in life who knows the necessity of keeping things in order!